My perfect JOB interview

Okay, so you put together a nice resume/cv, cooked-up or submitted excellent references and maybe a recommendation letter and you've been called to an interview. You've managed to sell yourself on paper and the hardest part is showing up for the interview, on time and professionally dressed.

You unleash that suit that's been gathering dust and assisting spiders build their webs. Find a matching tie, shirt and polished shoes and out the door you are. Before that, you've managed to indulge yourself in deodorant because the sweat glands will be working over time. And remembering to give a firm handshake, because nothing says that "I'm a hardworker" than a firm handshake.You're actually on time, despite spending 20 minutes in the restroom checking yourself out. The HR manager calls you in, offers you a sit and starts drilling you with the typical interview questions.

This is what my dream interview would be like........

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF
I'm saggitarius, I particularly don't like long walks in the park. I sneak in my own popcorn when I go to the movies.

HOW DID YOU HEAR ABOUT US?
Well, a friend of mine who works here said that someone he knows is about to get fired and that I should take this opportunity to apply for the job. That's my dawg right thurr! Actually he's one of my references. We go waaayyy back when.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS ORGANIZATION
Nothing. Am I supposed to know this? Well since you work here, could you please tell me more about this place?

ARE YOU APPLYING FOR OTHER JOBS
Hell to the yeah. You think i'm banking all my money on this job? Actually I got an offer I just wanted to see how much you're paying first.

ARE YOU A TEAM-PLAYER?
No. I don't play sports but I love to watch soccer. Will there be any sporting events that i should be aware of?

HOW LONG WOULD YOU EXPECT TO WORK FOR US IF HIRED?
eeehmmm until I get a better job...definately. This is just to pass time, pay a few bills while looking for a real job.

EXPLAIN HOW YOU'D BE AN ASSET TO THIS ORGANIZATION
uuhmm..define asset? oh ok. I would show up for work and leave as soon as it's time for me to leave.

DO YOU WORK UNDER PRESSURE?
If pressure is someone breathing down my neck all the time then NO.

WHAT KIND OF WORK ENVIRONMENT DO YOU PREFER?
I prefer my own corner office with a view. A place where I can be social, so I don't have to sit at my desk all day. Well, I didn't get the job. What a surprise.